I am an overweight person with bipolar 2 disorder (It is the sad over looked little sister to the much more in your face bipolar 1) I also suffer from mild- moderate anxiety

 Bipolar II Disorder is a bipolar spectrum disorder characterized by at least one hypomanic episode and major depressive episode; with.this disorder, depressive episodes are more frequent and more intense than manic episodes. It is believed to be under diagnosed because hypomanic behavior often presents as high-functioning behavior at least one

My Bipolar 2 shows itself in the way that I can get very overly engrossed with something like cleaning all day with no break to eat or drink and I mean tooth brush to the baseboards cleaning or pumping out college homework or redecorating the house but these are the times (pre-diagnosis) that I loved because I felt I was getting so MUCH done or it could be that I can be very angry for no reason or a combo of both and those are my “manic” times and can happen once or twice a week or once or twice a day- This disorder really leans more to the depression side so I can easily slide into a mild depression where I don’t want to go out I am tired but don’t sleep well at night and I feel just Blah and I eat and gain weight- I am coming out of a slight depression (but almost went back in when I got up this morning and saw I had gained about 17lbs in the last 3 weeks)

I also have an anxiety disorder- It may be set off by being in a crowd, being in a store too long , fast rapid music or the fact that I have super sonic hearing and repetitive little noises make me crazy, and it can be set off by nothing I can understand. It makes me feel like all my nerves are on the outside of my skin and I get clammy and very irritable-  I am now on meds that have got me on a pretty even keel except for some bouts of mild depression that I just mentioned.

So what does all this TMI medical mumbo-jumbo have to do with my 3-way C-O-E problem well plenty…

So about a year ago I started to go to a local Psychiatrist (I had previously been seeing a GP in the state we had moved from- he was a peach but was just not getting the job done) and I explained everything to her andshe says it is a classic C-O-E problem— Am I anxious because I am depressed or depressed due to my anxiety? So she gave me some anti-anxiety meds to see if that worked (I am also on a mood stabilizer and 2 things to help me sleep) Well her little trick worked even though it really did not solve the C-O-E issue..

Now I have started really pondering this situation and here is how we get the 3-way connection where we throw in my weight issue– Does my depression cause me to eat more, become overweight, and that in turn causes me anxiety OR does my anxiety make me overeat to feel better and in turn gain weight and become depressed by the whole deal?

So there you go a C-O-E 3-way — Depression~ Anxiety~ Overweight what comes first? We may never know…

What I do know is that being fat sucks! Being fat is sometimes like being under an evil spell- I feel bad about myself because I am fat so eating something “bad” somehow makes me feel better but then I gain weight and feel bad and it goes on and on…

Some people might say (and I bet these some people are thinsters) that all it takes is “self control” if I hear that come out of someones mouth one more time I might be blogging from the local lock-up. I have plenty of self control or I would be slapping skinny bitches left and right.

My problem is not how much I eat but what I eat. I was raised in a very strange environment where my parents were pot heads and the “munchies” did not exactly lead them to feeding me a healthy diet- Heck they gave me bottles of sugar water to settle me down as a baby!

To them food was everything but “food” did not consist of vegetables (except lettuce and corn and collards that I ate at my grandparents house) their food also did not include whole grains or much if anything healthy. What it really boiled down to was- Snack Cakes, Candy Bars, Ice Cream, Chips, Doritos, Pop, Chef-Boyardee, grilled cheese and the occasional cube steak, meat loaf, fried potatoes, buttered noodles, and box spaghetti. There were also some weird “munchie” invoked things like buttered and grilled saltines with ham and cheese but that is neither here nor there.

The other problem was that food helped everything in our lives- Good times-Eat.. Bad times-Eat… Bored-Eat…Sad-Eat…Happy-Eat… It was a reward or fix for everything. BUT lets look at my Mom she is a short 5’1 Italian woman and her method of dieting was to starve herself for days and then binge… She was up and down on the scales like a kid on a trampoline- Still my parents both were never really fat. I myself was chubby but as soon as I bought some clothes that fit and 8th grade came around boys could start to appreciate my 5’6 -size 8- D-cup body (I was a C-cup in 5th grade and that was torture) and my life changed forever…

I started getting fat after I had my first daughter and when I had my 2nd daughter at age 22 15 months later I was even fatter (and I got my tubes tied- this info will come in handy later) I did not think too much of it and after about a year I somehow started losing weight- it may have been that I separated from my husband and got a job and had no time for food or it may have been magic, I will never know.

Well I stayed at a nice voluptuous size for about 4 years and then I gained a bit of weight and then a few months later I gained a bit of weight and before I could say “Die scale die” I weighed 240! I blame some of this on the relationship I was in- It had a lot of emotional stress and the person I was with really wanted me to diet and I could tell the weight repulsed him so somehow in my brain that meant I should secretly eat to make myself feel better and to secretly give a big middle finger to my boyfriend the diet Nazi.  But I have to own 99% of that weight gain.

Low and behold he and I broke up and in 6 months I lost 20lbs and that put me at 220… Then I met my now husband ( dated 8 months then got married- 3 year anniversary in August-story later) he is a “big” guy but I liked that- He had a belly but also some good muscle and his shaved head and pierced ears gave him a bit of the “bad boy” feel even though he was all about old world charm and chivalry- he still opens my car door to this day- and he speaks and writes in the way all your English Teachers hoped you would- perfect, eloquent, and grammatically correct.

So I had found my Prince Charming but here was the down side- I no longer had someone watching over my shoulder as I ate- I had someone that wanted to take me out and wanted dessert and to just sit and snuggle and watch movies and I loved it!!! But due to that and some depression and a broken arm I went from 220 to 313 in about 17 months . We now know that some of that may be due to the fact that we recently found out I am insulin resistant but that is more C-O-E (fat because of In-Resistance or In-Resistant because I am fat)

I have a fancy gym membership that costs about $80 a month and I have gone about 8 times in 9 months. Everytime I go it is filled with super skinny people and I feel out of place and they really do look at me like “yuck” I long for the days when I turned heads because now I only turn heads away.

So being fat is like being under an evil spell that is all in your head- it can stop you from doing things that are good for you like going to the gym or the apartment pool and it can make you feel that nothing will ever change because you are so fat that it will take a million years to become thin. I know it is a mindset that can be broken but the spell leaves me weak with only a snickers bar to break down the wall.

And whoa wait a hot minute how about the fact that you can not find fat girl work out clothes anywhere? Men’s sizes run up to like 3 or 4X because I guess they think men get all muscle bound but that really helps out the male plumpersout there. I mean what am I supposed to wear? How can I feel comfortable going to the gym when I stick out like a sore thumb in my clothes to start with? I am sure there is some fancy-shmancy clothes store that sells some exercise pants for $50 but who really has that type of money? Why can’t you go to Wal-Mart and get some of their cute work out clothes in a bigger size than 14? Don’t clothes stores know fat people work out too? So you have to lose weight just to get into some exercise clothes… that is depressing and so stupid I can not even come up with a quirky response!

Here is the moral of the story kid-o’s–

C-O-E come in many forms so don’t get caught up in “how did I get here” just work on the “how in the hell do I get out of here”

Fat people have feelings too and a lot are trying to do better but to some food is linked to emotions and is like a drug. *I must mention though if someone looks 75-100lbs overweight and trys to use the “I have a medical condition and that’s why I am fat” excuse as he/she eats a cheeseburger and drinks a diet coke take them directly to the ER because nothing should make you gain all that weight- you must own up to some of it yourself.*

The only person that can solve your problems is you- Not any diet- not any meds- not any book- not any surgery– just you. YOU have to find out why you are fat because even if you lose the weight through a diet or surgery if you don’t get to the root of your food issues the junk will start to reaccumulate in your trunk.

I also want people to remember that they need to realize and even train your brain to say and think that you are not what is wrong with you- What is “wrong” with you is a small part of you- You are not a small part of it.

Example-

“I’m Overweight”– “I’m Bipolar”– I’m..(fill in the blank)

The truth is you are a person that is overweight– you are a person living with bipolar disorder and so on.

No one would ever say “I am Cancer” – “I am heart defect”- “I am chlamydia” well no one would probably announce the last one in any form but you get my point.

I am going to try walk the walk here and get out, be more active, eat a diet that is healthy for me, I will also include a line each week with my progress-good or bad, and I will brave the gym with it’s tan wonder women that work out in sports bras and tiny boy shorts- I will even do it in my ratty old t-shirts and stretchy pants…

Let’s see if this Girl can break that damn spell!

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 I am surrounded by the most educated waiters, waitresses, bartenders, and temp workers for as far as the eye can see… It seems like people come here to go to school then a percentage of them never leave and eventually become perpetual 18 years olds encased in 30-40 year old bodies with no real jobs and no real long-term relationships BUT they all feel they are living the “Good Life”

 OK so I know some of you are saying “good for them” and things like that but if you saw this on a day to day basis it might grind on you a bit too. Example-We have a local market that sells fresh fruits and veggies and all the wholesome good for you organic glutton free soybean based lactose intolerant no preservatives never been near a growth hormone or antibiotic type food you could ever hope for. There happens to be a nice outside eating area because the market also serves some super healthy breakfast, coffee (Is coffee healthy?), and lunch and coincidently it is where people can go to smoke (yeah that promotes their little healthy slightly “we are better than you Kroger shopping heathens” outlook on life) So they also have this pretty grassy front yard type area where all the “Hippies” of today converge to beat on their bongos, dance around with a ribbon tied to a stick, hula-hoop, and just talk about how bad everything is today because no one is truly “free”.

You might be thinking that you agree or that they seem like a keen bunch of peep’s and I know this is not right because I am a pretty free thinker but I sometimes want to go slap them all because it just has a smell of fakeness like they have their BMW’s parked down the street so no one will see that they are connected to the world of “The Man”.

 Then we have our hipster population that likes to sit in weird uncomfortable positions under big trees to read Catcher in The Rye and try really hard to look like they are OK with a root wedgie. They also love to wear vintage clothing and go to see live bands that kick-ass and just stand there with their arms folded- too good to clap or get into it (I am convinced that this is why our main “indie-ish” venue no longer gets bands like The Get Up Kids, Alkaline Trio, and Built to Spill- what band wants to face a sea of smirking douchebag faces that feel above really enjoying the music?) these might be the people that I dislike the most because they ruined one of the main reasons I loved living in this town! Now I go to The Norva all the way in Portsmouth VA to see the bands that once came here.

 We also have a large homeless population that is filled mostly with a “normal” variety of homeless (mentally ill, alcoholics, former veterans, drug addicts, people who fell down a financial hole and could never climb back out) BUT then there are the “wanna be” homeless- they are teens and even some adults that pander in the downtown area but look pretty clean and/or all emo (Quick our population Emo Definition – sad or snarky looking people where both genders wear tight girls jeans and eye liner and they love to have long sleeve shirts with thumb holes you know one when you see one) But we all know you can find them and their clothes and music at any store in the flippin mall but they are too good for jobs to make their money. This species of people is very common here and they do not sleep on the “mean” streets of this little town they couch surf from friend to friend’s house and use the money they get sitting on the sidewalk saying “Hey man can you help me out?” to contribute to the beer or weed fund. They do this for fun and it is a “lifestyle” that they choose.

 From this post you might think I don’t like it here but it is my town and I love many people in it (some are even in one or more of my categories) but I am a firm believer in being yourself and if you don’t know who that is you won’t find out by latching on to some weird group of people and never growing up. If you choose to just follow the path of least resistance here then so be it but stop acting like you are better than everyone else- By everyone else I mean those that choose to work real jobs, get married, have a family, not smoke weed 24/7, and those that have given away their beer bongs… 

 I will have to save the college students for another day because I think they deserve their own little chunk of time—

 Love it or hate it this is my town and I officially welcome you to it…

 Where do these mysterious “tracks” start and stop? If I had lived in a house instead of a trailer would I have then been white trash instead of trailer trash? I lived more towards the country wooded part of town so there were really no tracks to cross but apparently people saw them and knew I was not on the right side.

 I grew up about 30 minutes from a large Marine Base and about 15 minutes from the” Crystal Coast” which was a beautiful beach area full of tourists and thriving businesses in the summer but was not so beautiful in the winter when the locals were the lone residents and all the houses on “Millionaire Lane” were closed up along with 75% of the business on the beach.

 Even though we had diverse groups of people in and out of all of our lives due to the beach and the base my town was full of racist bigots and people that were proud to be called “rednecks” because to them that meant Southern Pride and their definition of Southern Pride was- Whites Only,  No proper use of the English language, and  No aspirations of higher education but high aspirations of being able to drink the most “40’s” in the shortest amount of time. Not everyone was that bad but most had a little bit of some if not all of it in them- my family included.

 I vowed I would not be like these people- Like the boy’s in high school who found out a girl went on a date with a black guy and after that always said (and meant) to her face and behind her back “Once you go black we aint ever gonna take you back” and she was verbally tortured for the rest of high school. I wanted more for myself and my escape was reading. I lived through books and I was reading things like Clan of the Cave Bear in 5^th grade when even my teacher confessed she had not attempted to read the book.

 This 5^th grade teacher read us “fun” books every so often so I decided I would write my own book and along with 2 other friends we wrote a murder mystery thriller called “5th Grade Can Really Kill You” (we used our classmates as characters to make it more relatable) as soon as the teacher read the first chapter she said we should read it to the class so we read a chapter a week and they ate it up like candy. To this day I wish I had a copy of our little book!

 Today I am a well spoken person with an incredible vocabulary and I am self taught on many subjects and I am proud to say that my family or schools really had nothing to do with it because it all came from my love of reading. In books there are no tracks to be crossed and the only trash you might find is in your choice of reading material. What also helped me was at the age of 25 I moved to a much bigger city with a large college next to two other cities with two other top colleges and now I am nestled into the town with one of the states and nations top schools.

 I am thankful every day and I really feel like I made a narrow escape from death row now that I have a wonderful husband who I learn something new from every day and I have a wonderful eclectic “family” that has been pieced together through the years.

 What I am most happy about is the fact that I am no longer tied to any tracks and I am not something people refer to as some sort of trash and not as any sort of person…

I am just me…

Welcome to my world…..